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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25950217">jennifer jareau</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account'>orphan_account</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Aftermath, Aftermath of Torture, Canon Related, Canon-Typical Violence, Character Study, F/M, Gen, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Torture, Introspection, Jennifer JJ Jareau Deserved to be known for more than just her kids, Kinda, Minor Character Death, Miscarriage, POV Jennifer "JJ" Jareau, Past Violence, Support Groups, but i think it fits, but i thought i’d put it, i still don’t know what that word means, it’s just JJ’s sister, miscarriage aftermath</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-08-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-20 08:41:33</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,632</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25950217</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>“a miscarriage? god, jj, i am so sorry.” </p><p>emily is sorry. and jj is sorry too. sorry that she never had the guts to say it out loud, and sorry that she took so damn long. </p><p>guess that’s what happens when you get kidnapped and tortured. your whole world shifts and you are forced to confront the things you would rather hide.</p><p>-</p><p>TW: this story covers miscarriage and the affect it can have and the trauma that comes with it.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Jennifer "JJ" Jareau &amp; The BAU Team, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>13</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>jennifer jareau</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>“it’s hard to be a mother again when you don’t have a child to come home to anymore.”</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>people ask her all the time. they ask her how she’s holding up, hotch asks if she needs more time off, and emily asks her if she needs to talk about it. </p><p> </p><p>will doesn’t ask her anymore. he knows better. he knows that she will talk about it when she wants to. </p><p> </p><p>she doesn’t want to. </p><p> </p><p>she can hear his words in her ear, can feel the stiff hand run up her skin, can still feel the absolute fear that ran through her body. </p><p> </p><p>when she sees mateo afterward, she fights the urge to embrace him. they’re supposed to be professionals. they’re supposed to be agents and colleagues, nothing more. </p><p>but they’re not just fellow agents. they’re friends. he learned about her pregnancy first, gave her a hug and a smile so wide that she couldn’t help but feel the tiniest bit of joy in that tent in afghanistan. he gave up top secret information for her life. he pleaded with a professional torturer to spare her life, to take his instead. </p><p>he saved her. she can never repay him. </p><p>she tries to though. she treats him to lunch and coffee. they go to therapy together, meet each other at doctor rollins’ office and force smiles at each other. <em>they’re both reliving it just by looking at each other and jj isn’t sure when the memories will ever stop coming back to her.</em> </p><p>she really wants to learn how to get over this. spencer has given her enough lectures on her kidnapping for her to know how long it usually takes for someone to move on. </p><p> </p><p>
  <em>spoiler alert. no one ever really moves on. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>the week after, she takes the first big step. she tells will about her miscarriage. </p><p> </p><p>she sits him down, the only sound being the occasional bark from the neighbor’s dog and the crickets from the backyard. the moon’s silver light is coming in and illuminating will’s face so beautifully that she almost doesn’t go through with it. she doesn’t want to take away that look from his face. he always looks at her like that. </p><p>she doesn’t want to know if he’ll stop after what she tells him. </p><p>no. she will go through with this. for herself, and for will. he deserves the truth and if he really loves her, he will be here for her when she inevitably breaks down afterward.</p><p>“what’s wrong, baby?” </p><p>she can’t look him in the eyes when she speaks. her voice is a whisper. what happens when he processes her words? will he look at her with disgust? with contempt? </p><p>“i miscarried in afghanistan, will.. i didn’t.. i didn’t tell you because.. god, i was so afraid..” </p><p>he has pulled her into his arms, her sobs for a baby she never got to bring home are muffled by his flannel. she can smell the cologne she bought for him last week on the fabric. it comforts her the tiniest bit, but it’s not enough to get her to stop crying. </p><p>he’s rubbing her back, and she’s trying to find the words, “i’m so sorry, will.” he shushes her like she does when henry is crying over spilling his juice, “it’s okay, jj. it’s okay. i’m not angry, i understand, baby. i do.” she’s still crying, but his words comfort her. he understands. </p><p>she was so scarred over the pain of losing her baby that she never told the father of said baby. she was so wrapped up in the trauma to even say anything. her therapist told her it was a reasonable response, and now will is implying that too. he understands why she said nothing. </p><p>she leans back, rubs away her tears with the sleeve of her beige sweater. “thank you.. i’m so sorry i never said anything, will. i.. when roslyn died..” he perks at the mention of her sister. she doesn’t talk about her very much. usually, it’s a happy memory. tonight, it’s not. </p><p> </p><p>when roslyn died... a piece of jj died too. it sounds cliché but it’s true. jj, as a child, never spoke much. she was constantly reprimanded if she got too excited about a particular subject at the dinner table, earned a lecture about “table manners” when she didn’t say thank you to her grandma at thanksgiving and instead asked her grandma if she had gotten the potatoes from the ground or from the store. </p><p>roslyn was the only person who truly listened to jj. she would sit jj down on her bed, give jj her full attention as she spoke about the girl at school that told jj that she was too shy. jj would cry a bit, she was always sensitive to people’s comments, and roslyn would stroke her hair and tell her it would be okay. </p><p>when roslyn died, jj went mute. her parents never noticed, they were burdened with grief for a daughter gone too soon and barely took notice of the other family member that was also grieving a sister gone too soon. jj hardly spoke at school. she didn’t grow out of it until she met alyssa in the 9th grade, who would convince jj to go to soccer tryouts with her after opening up to alyssa. </p><p>she still writes letters to alyssa every year. alyssa does the same from boston. </p><p> </p><p>“jj? baby, you okay?” </p><p>she wipes away more tears that have sprung up from the memory of roslyn. “yes! yes.. i just.. when roslyn died, i stopped talking. i didn’t open up to anyone because she was the only one who cared enough to listen. that’s what i thought anyway, it took me a long time to actually say anything.” </p><p>will’s fingers are rubbing a circle on the back of her hand and it’s such a sweet thing to do that jj feels guiltier for keeping such a big thing from such a good man. “i understand. c’mere.” he opens up his arms and jj falls into them, taking a deep breath when she settles into him. </p><p>“thank you will. i love you so much.” </p><p>“i love you too.” </p><p> </p><p>they fall asleep on the couch, listening to the hum of the fridge and the crickets outside. </p><p>-</p><p>she takes another step in the right direction when she goes back to the building. she asks matteo to go with her and he agrees. </p><p> </p><p>they go on a free day. it’s warm and she teases mateo for wearing a long sleeve. they’ve gotten closer, and she sees him as a brother. an annoying brother, especially when he brings her the tuna sandwich from that one cafe when he knows that she hates that sandwich. they tried it once and she’s never looked at tuna the same. </p><p>“look, jj, when you get out of a cold gym, expecting it to be cold outside, and you only have a long sleeve, i’ll be right next to you, poking fun at you too.” she rolls her eyes and nods, “sure you will.” </p><p>mateo punches her arm and goes to say something, but they both realize that they’re in front of the building and they fall silent. the walk from the BAU to here was shorter than they expected. </p><p>it’s odd. jj thought she would feel uneasy being so close to where she was tortured. she doesn’t. she feels weird, but not uneasy. like the cement walls have taken away something from her. </p><p>they have taken away something from her, but it’s not her emotions. </p><p><em>her baby was taken from her.</em> <em>he took her baby from her</em><em>. he took so many things from her.</em></p><p>“jj, i’m so sorry.” she shakes her head, holds out her hand and feels his sipping into hers. “it’s okay. i’m sorry too. let’s just-“ her voice breaks a bit. she is remembering how it felt to have a torturer’s hands trail down her skin.</p><p>
  <em>“let’s just stay here, for a while.” </em>
</p><p>he nods, and they stand in front of the building in silence. </p><p> </p><p>when something moves too quickly and makes a sharp noise, they both turn around immediately. it’s like instinct now. </p><p>tears spring towards her eyes when she realizes this. </p><p>she is remembering how it felt to walk back to her car after a day at the BAU, how she would look over her shoulder, wondering if someone would clasp a hand on her mouth and drag her away, kicking and screaming. </p><p>tears are bursting out of her eyes. tears are bursting out of his. they hug each other so tight, and wet patches appear on their clothes. </p><p>mateo’s words are muffled but she can make them out. </p><p>
  <em>“jj, you’re like a sister to me.. i’m so sorry i couldn’t protect you then and i couldn’t protect you when they took us..” </em>
</p><p>she shakes her head. <em>“you protected us. you were willing to give up your life, matteo. thank you. you’re a good brother, mateo.” </em>he starts to speak but jj just shushes him, <em>“take the compliment, dumbass.” </em></p><p>they laugh. it’s getting colder. they pull away and jj shivers. mateo makes a <em>‘i told you so’ </em>face and jj rolls her eyes. they walk back to their cars. </p><p>jj feels lighter afterward. she talks to her team. </p><p> </p><p>she goes to a support group for those who suffered through a miscarriage. the people there are so kind that jj ends up spilling her entire story to complete strangers. well, the parts she can talk about, she tells. </p><p> </p><p>it helps. it helps a lot. </p><p> </p><p>she looks over her shoulder still, but she’s stronger now. she can take it. she has learned how to defend herself and has taken so many judo classes that she could probably take down an unsub all on her own now. </p><p> </p><p>her team talks to her, but they don’t walk on eggshells around her anymore. </p><p> </p><p>she’s stronger now. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>jj deserved more background and more depth, she could’ve been way more than just the token mom of the group that everyone makes her out to be</p></blockquote></div></div>
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